Girlfriends

15+ years of friendship (myself, Vanessa, and Jessica)

When I was a in elementary school I would sit with my three closest friends (Jessica, Vanessa, and Katie) and we would talk about how we would grow old, and who we would marry, and how many babies we would have. We even would go through the JC Penny magazines and circle what cribs, bassinets, blankets, etc. that we would want. As we got older we would write in our journals/diaries what names we liked for our kids and who that special boy was whom we adored at the time (because you know it changed by the week).  We even dreamed about having weddings all on the same day, ha! Wouldn’t that have been a train wreck? We never thought about the hardships of parenthood or the journeys that each of us would go through. We were just silly innocent girls without a care in the world.

In high school I moved away from my hometown and my life changed forever.  I went through a lot of changes. Some good, some bad, but they were all changes that molded me into the woman I am today.  And it is funny how life plays out.  Each one of my closest friends from elementary ended up marrying people that were not on our “list” and our kid’s names are not ones we thought of back then, but we are all blessed and extremely happy with the journey that God has given us.

I look back at the day I left my hometown. I was crushed, angry, mad, etc. But if my parents would have never moved I would have never had the experiences of making some more of the greatest friends and meeting my husband. My best friend from high school and I are so alike, but so different it is scary sometimes, but one thing remains the same. Our loyalty to each other will never die. 

Those girlfriends, from elementary, and I are still close today.  We do not talk every single day, but when we do we pick up right from where we left off.  We try to see each other when one is passing through town. We are there for each other for the happy moments in life and we are there for each other for the lows. We will be friends for life. 

I couldn’t imagine life without my girlfriends, old or new.  I do not have a ton of girlfriends, but I think quality over quantity is the best way to go. .  My girlfriends have helped me get through all the hurdles in life. Especially the gross parts that my husband might not understand (all that woman junk). Thank you to all my wonderful girlfriends! I wish the blog was long enough so I could list and put pictures of you all……..I love you very much!!

My BFF Mindy and I at my 1/2 Marathon

Andrea and I 

News.........

I am going to make this short and sweet. Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval and it was very successful. The only negative was that my body did not react well to the drugs to help ease the pain, so they were not able to give me what they normal would.  As soon as they tried to give me more my oxygen levels would dip low. I had the wonderful experience of feeling a LOT more than I would have liked.  Ha! I pretty much was out of commission the rest of the day.  I remember trying to text a girlfriend of mine and she said it was mumble jumble and I vaguely remember talking to my mother-in-law, but I couldn’t tell you a word we said to each other. 

After we got home, I retreated to my bed for the rest of the day/night. Chad woke me up to take my medicine and to help me go to the bathroom.  I woke up this morning around 4 a.m. wide awake……..I wonder why!!!! 

This morning we received a phone call from our fertility doctor and the embryologist. As soon as the phone rang my heart started pounding, because I wasn’t sure what type of news I would hear.  We were so excited to hear that all of the eggs that they retrieved were healthy and fertilized, except for one.  That is AWESOME!!!!!!  After we hung the phone up Chad and I just held each other tight and cried. All the shots, medicine, trips to Grand Rapids, surgery, spreading of the legs were all worth it.  The doctors were able to get what they needed. 

Tomorrow morning we will go back and they will do the embryo transfers. What does that mean?? That does not mean we are pregnant tomorrow.  All they are doing is putting fertilized embryos into my uterus. There are still a lot of things those little embryos have to do on their own in the next two weeks.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We have definitely been feeling all the prayers, love, and support. 

I leave you with this funny comic that was sent to us by a friend. 

 

Smiling.........

    

   Monday I was white knuckling it to Grand Rapids for yet another doctor appointment.  The roads were awful and the sun was shining so bright.  I woke up really early that morning and could not fall back asleep.  I lay in bed and I started thinking about our journey that we have been on for the past two and a half years.  While thinking, I teared up, I chuckled, I smiled, and I reminisced.  I continued my reminiscing while I was driving to my appointment.  My fears and anxiety started to crumble like the ice under the tires of my car. I started feeling excited and ready for what the week has in store for me.  I found myself smiling from ear to ear while gripping the steering wheel for dear life!!! 

    When I arrived safe and sound to my appointment I was greeted with a big hug from my IVF nurse. My nurse is usually always super friendly, but I have never been greeted with a hug.  As she hugged me she said, “Are you excited? This is your big week!!” I thought to myself…..”I don’t know??? Am I supposed to be excited?” The past week has been full of crazy emotions. I knew I felt chipper at that moment, so I just went with it.  I mean who doesn’t like driving in a horrible snow storm, an hour and a half each way, just to get some blood work and to spread my legs open for the umpteenth time for my doctor?!?!?! Ha!!  The nurse took me to my room where I proceeded to get undressed and I covered myself so nicely with the lovely starched sheet that they graciously lay out for me each time.  While I was sitting on the crunchy cold white paper, with my feet in the wonderful stir-ups, waiting in the room for the doctor to come in I couldn’t help but smile. Once again, I am not sure why I was smiling from ear to ear, but I was.  My wonderful doctor came in and greeted me with a big smile and then walked around to the side of my bed and he too gave me a hug. He looked at me and said, “This is your week. We are so excited for you.” As he started my exam I couldn’t help the tears that were gushing down my cheek.  I think for the first time I shed happy tears at my appointment.  My doctor asked me if I was all right and I replied, “Yes.” I explained that in the past week I had gone through every emotion possible. I was nervous, excited, scared, anxious, depressed, happy, etc. But on this day I only had one, excited!  With the help of my nurses, doctors, and staff I felt excited. Yes, I still have fears, but I am excited for what this week has to offer. After my exam I quickly got dressed and went in to speak with the doctor.  He greeted me with yet another hug and I told him how much I appreciated all the support that him and his staff had given me over the years. The appointment went very well and I am right on track for my retrieval of my eggs on Friday.

    As I was driving home, the sun peered over the trees and I just said, “Thank you” to God for putting the right people in my life at the right time.  Thank you for surrounding me with people that encourage and uplift me just when I need it. 

I cast my cares on You Lord (right now!). [I Peter 5:7]

Quick update

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. You shine all the time, Angel, and in these dark times, your inner beauty will continue to illuminate around you. Know that when it seems the world can't get any darker and you don't have the strength to shine your light, let those who love you shine for you and show you the way again." 

This was part of a letter that I received from my wonderful mom. Her daily prayers and phone calls have been uplifting to my soul. She has taught me how to find my inner strength and to hold onto my faith. I love you mom!!

This week has been a long hard week. My shots have increased (four a day) and my body is starting to feel the effects of everything.  My stomach is so bloated (because of all the growing follicles) that I have resorted to wearing leggings and anything else with an elastic waist.   Some of the medication has really made me nauseas and super tired.  One of the medications is instant nausea and tiredness. As soon as I take the needle out of my stomach I am pretty much on the couch and sleeping. The trips to Grand Rapids every other day have also not been the easiest. I am not complaining, just explaining!!

                        Another side effect from my medicine has been weird dreams. I haven’t been able to have a good night sleep since I started my shots.  I have been having very scary realistic dreams. Some of them so bad that I wake up in a cold sweat, trembling, and terrified. It has been really hard for me to be away from Chad and Kaylee, because I am afraid that these dreams will come true. Chad has been so great (as well as Kaylee).  The other day I was having one of my moments and I just went in and lay with Kaylee in her bed and watched her sleep. There is something about a sleeping child that can make everything okay (especially when it is my beautiful child).

I think the hardest part of this week has been the realization of everything that is taking place.  I know my last blog entry was about emotions, so I don’t want to touch to much on that again, but it is hard not to.  The anxiety, excitement, stress, and nervousness of all of this is beyond words.  I (we) are getting very excited, but with that same amount of excitement we are extremely nervous about this procedure failing. Failing has never been apart of my vocabulary.

The past two days the sun has been shinning so bright and it has really made our spirits much happier.  We have taken some walks, bike rides, and have just enjoyed some family time.  I cannot express how much we appreciate all of the outpouring love and support. The cards, emails, texts, and hugs have all been so encouraging. 

Emotions

Yesterday I had a routine check up just to make sure my cysts were behaving and to have our IVF nurse explain all of the medications that I am taking and will be taking.  My kitchen pantry and part of my refrigerator has turned into a regular pharmacy, ha! 

When Chad and I were driving into our appointment we started having a conversation about how we both feel emotionally.  It is hard to define what our emotions are, because we are all over the map with them. We do not want to get excited, because we know that IVF is not a 100% guarantee. We are nervous because of the shots, the actual procedures, and the hormonal imbalances. We are scared because I could go in for a routine check up and find that my cysts are back and that we cannot go through with the procedure.  We are also scared of what happens if this does not work….the sadness and depression that will sink in is so hard to bare. The stress and struggles to schedule my appointments before or after school or during my lunch break have been very difficult.   I do want to say a big thank you to all of our co-workers, boss, and friends at our places of employment.  It is so nice to work with “family”.  Yesterday, I was chatting with my boss telling her all the days that I will most likely miss (of course it happens when I am suppose to be at 2 workshops, 1 training, the kick off of March is Reading month, etc.) and I broke down in tears thanking her for understanding the importance of family.  I am fortunate to work for someone who values family the same way our family values it. We are lonely because we wish we had family here to be with us (even though my parents would come at the drop of a hat).  With that said, we are surrounded by some of the greatest friends we could ever ask for.  We have friends who have stepped up and helped us with Kaylee and who have been with us through thick and thin. I am not going to even begin to name names, because the list is way to long. Like the quote above, we are choosing to rejoice and not regret. We can still have mixed emotions, but our outlook is positive.

My appointment went well. We were happy to hear that my cysts were behaving.  The nurse tried to explain all of my medications and I will be honesty I did a lot of nodding, but not a lot of understanding. 

From this point on, I will be going to Grand Rapids every other day, so they can monitor my cysts and the growth of my eggs. Our hope is by late next week my body would have produced around 30-40 eggs for our retrieval date.  I will try to update this as often as I can (or Chad will).  Thank you for all your love and support!  I leave you with a quote that was given to me by a wonderful friend that I work with.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Unknown

Chad's voice........

When Christina asked me to write on her blog, I was actually a little nervous.  It isn’t as if we are going to have millions of followers, but those that will be reading the posts are people whose opinions matter.  Most of the people who will be reading our blog know us personally and understand what we have been going through.  Shouldn’t this make it easier to speak openly?  No way.  Christina tells me to just write what I feel, give people some insight into our family.  Unfortunately, words don’t come as easy to me as they do to her.  I fumble with words, she writes so fluidly.  It is much easier for me to research, and my writing is much more analytical.  I guess that is why we make such a great pair.  Christina is the emotional one, and I am the one who tries to stay grounded.

I don’t think Christina told you the story of how we met.  I think this is important to understand who we are as a couple.  I have been doing theater for my entire life, studying in New York, Civic Theater shows, directing for the High School productions, always involved in theater.  Well, the two of us met during the Civic Theater’s production of “They’re Playing Our Song”.  You never heard of it?  Neither did I, which is why I wasn’t planning on auditioning.  I had gotten a call at school from the producer encouraging me to try out.  It was a small cast, not a huge time commitment.  Who knows, I might meet some new friends.  So I auditioned and got a role.  During that show, I didn’t just make a new friend, I met my best friend.

Christina and I had lots of fun during the show.  We joked around all the time.  I was able to be myself with her, and she truly understood me.  There are so many stories we could tell during those times, but we will keep those between us.  After I was even able to convince her to come to the High School to help construct the set for our fall production.  She still laughs at me because I was trying to be mechanical, using an electrical drill to construct a bed.  She said that bed was so crooked.  Some things never change.

Now, the reason I mention the show is that I think the subject of the show sounds a little like our relationship.

They're Playing Our Song is a story based on the real-life relationship of a wisecracking, egotistical composer who finds a new, offbeat lyricist, but initially the match is not one made in heaven. The two undergo a series of trials and overcome a number of hurdles before finding true love by the final curtain.

I can be pretty “wisecracking”, and Christina is about as “offbeat” as they come (in a good way).  Now, I don’t think I am egotistical (it isn’t bragging if it’s the truth).  Like every couple, we have had a number of hurdles we have had to jump in our relationship.  Many of these hurdles are no fault of our own, it is just those that fate puts in our path.  I understand that life is full of ups and downs, but sometimes it felt like downs and more downs.  There were times when we felt that we were being put through the ringer - so many trials that we didn’t want to face.  The one constant through everything has been our love for each other.  We may be an unusual match, but we are truly a match made in heaven.    

Now for me, it was love at first sight.  She has always been outgoing and continually keeps me on my toes.  We have had numerous adventures together.  We have kayaked in Puerto Rican Rain Forests, toured Washington D.C.’s historical sites, and have played slots in Vegas.  Many adventures, and many more adventures to come.  Christina truly makes life interesting.  It is her and Kaylee that make life worth living.  The two of them mean so much to me, and I try to tell them how much they mean to me daily.

If there is one thing I can press on those who read this blog, don’t take life for granted.  Love those in your life with all your heart.  Tell your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, how much they mean to you.  It is love that will truly get you through difficult times.  Every morning before going to work, I give Christina a kiss and tell her that I love her.  Even after seven years of marriage, I introduce her as my bride.  I still feel like we are newlyweds.  She will always be my bride, even after 50 years of marriage.  (Although I still like to also call her my old lady).

I love you Sweetheart with all my heart.  You give me guidance and vision.  I can only hope to make you as happy as you make me.  With each other, we can overcome any storm.  How do I know this?  We already have.  We will love each other until our final curtain…which I hope is many, MANY, years away.

Another story and another laugh.......

Mile 12 of my 1/2 Marathon

My cheering squad!!

This past October was an awesome month. I accomplished something I never dreamed I would ever do. I ran the Detroit ½ Marathon and I came in under my goal time. It was a time for me to run and to not think of any of the treatments we have gone through during the past 2 years.  I crossed that finish line with tears of joy streaming down my face. Crossing the finish line meant letting go of some of the emotional baggage that I had carried over time. I let go of my guilt and I traded it in for determination and confidence. I let go of my depression and traded it in for empathy and a voice for others.  About a week after my race I was still on the “runners high” and I strutted into my fertility appointment with my head held high. I had gone in for a routine ultrasound and I walked out with a scheduled immediate surgery that following week.

I needed to undergo laparoscopic surgery, because I have lots of cysts around my ovaries and my hormone shots are food for those cysts.  It is a negative and a positive all in one.  The positive is the hormone shots create follicles, which would make it easier for us to conceive. The negative is that my cysts feed on my hormone medication. So every month that I am on the shots is another month my cysts get larger and larger; hence the need for the surgery.

My cysts had almost tripled in size and one was completely blocking my right ovary (a little problem when trying to conceive). I remember walking out of the doctor’s office in tears. It was one of the few appointments that I had gone by myself and told Chad to not worry about it, because it was so routine. I drove all the way back home from Grand Rapids with tears streaming down my face. I was not so much upset because of the cysts I was upset because I had to go through this surgery and now I would have to rest a month and not try to get pregnant.  And let me tell you when the doctors told us we would have to rest a month (we heard that a lot) it was like 5 years to us.  It was the longest 30 days of our lives!!!

Even though this surgery was routine and super common I still had my fears. I had my fears that they would get in there and find even more things wrong with me. I had a fear that when removing and draining the cysts they would leave permanent scare damage on my insides.  I have HORRIBLE anxiety of being put under!!!!  And of course my surgery was scheduled for the worst possible time of year. It was on the day of Kaylee’s Halloween party at school and the week before Chad’s play that he directs at his high school.   The guilt, shame, and depression started to creep back.  I called my parents to let them know what was going on and without hesitation my dad said he would be there for my surgery.  I didn’t even have to ask. When I told him he didn’t have to he said, “Christina do not argue with your dad. You are still daddy’s little girl. I am coming…….” I love that man so much!!! :)

The morning of the surgery our wonderful Aunt and Uncle came down to be with Kaylee and away we went to Grand Rapids for surgery.  As we were driving my nerves were getting higher and higher.  Have I mentioned I hate the feeling of being put under????  We checked in, I put on my lovely hospital gown, and away we went.  This is where I appreciated my dad being there not just for me, but for Chad as well.  As soon as they came around with the needles that is when Chad started getting nervous.  He started pacing and before I knew it Chad was pacing and my dad was pacing and I was just chilling watching Judge Judy, ha!! 

They wheeled me to the room right before surgery. This is the point when all the different staff members come up to me and start introducing themselves.  The funny thing was is that each of them would always ask me what surgery I was having today (I am sure they do this for liability reasons).  My doctor comes in and explains the procedure and he hugs me and he tries to calm Chad down (who is now looking pale as a ghost). Then a few nurses come in and do the same. Then the anesthesiologist comes in introduces himself to me and tries to make small chat with me.  I let him know that I get SUPER nervous about being put under.  He then asks me what surgery I am having today….and this is when I decide to have a little fun.  I looked up at him and I said, “I am not sure what Dr. Young told you, but I am in for a tummy tuck, some lipo, and a boob job.!!” He thought is was super funny, Chad was still pale as a ghost and laughing, and my dad just sat there and rolled his eyes and chuckled.  My doctor heard me and came over and jokingly yelled at me.  Hey, I can only try, right?

My surgery went very well and the doctor was able to drain a lot of my cysts. I cannot say thank you enough to my dad for driving 12 hours each way just to sit with both Chad and I during that day.  Chad told me numerous times after my surgery how happy he was to have dad there with him. I also have to say thank you to our Uncle Joe and Aunt Janet for taking our place at Kaylee’s Halloween party and for taking care of us that first day when I came home.  Also, I would like to thank all my friends for bringing dinners over to my house that following week. We could not do this journey without the support of all of our family and friends.  It is so nice when we can count on the ones we love the most to be there for us.  We truly are very blessed!!  

My Husband, My Friend, My Love, My Rock

"Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you, until the end of time......."

I am going to dedicate this entry to my husband, Chad.  He has been our family rock. He has supported and taken care of me when I was at my lowest of low and he has also been there to celebrate and laugh during our high moments of this journey.  When I married him, I knew I had married the man of my dreams. Over the past seven years of marriage he has always treated me like his princess.  I am not saying we have not had our hard moments, because we are normal people with normal marriage problems.  The difference with Chad, is that he works so hard at providing and making things perfect for Kaylee and I.  He does not give up during hard times.

When we went through our first miscarriage he just hugged me for three days straight. I don’t think he let me go.  He was hurting just as bad as I was. His pain was the emotional pain while I was going through the physical and emotional pain of the loss.  His strength and courage continued to become stronger as our journey became harder and harder.  He gets so worried about me and how I am feeling.  I have seen my husband grow in ways I never thought I would see. 

I love how my husband gets so worried about me when I have to begin my routine daily shots.  I love how he just goes with the flow when my hormone shots make me turn into something he didn’t marry!!!!!  I love that he tried to help me with my first round of shots and at the end he turned gang-green (my hubby does not do well with shots). I love how he just knows when I need a hug . I love how tells me it is okay to cry even though we both don’t know why I am balling like a baby.  I love how he speaks up at the doctor’s office and tells the doctor that the medicine is making his loving wife turn into a different kind of creature.  I love how he leaves me alone and lets me have alone time because he knows if he tries to talk to me I will either cry or turn into that creature again!!!  I love how we can sit in a doctors appointment and he nods and shakes his head in agreement and then when we get into the car he turns to me and says, “I did not understand one thing the doctor just explained to us.!!!” I love his love for not giving up and encouraging me to not give up too.  I love how he gets embarrassed when the doctors ask me to spread my legs for the millionth time (I just love that he cares that someone else is looking at his wife). I love how he goes to and never misses any of the important doctor’s appointments.  I love how we can laugh and act like twelve -year old immature kids.

When I have cried and cried about how I am unable to give him another child, he just holds me and says he is blessed with what God has already given him.  I am suppose to be able to give my husband the family that he wants and when doctors tell me different it makes me feel inadequate and not worthy of his love.  Those or all my thoughts…..Chad has never once made me feel that way. In fact, he tells me I am completely nuts when I tell him that is how I feel. 

Research shows that couples that suffer from infertility have the highest percentage of marital problems.  We are determined to not be part of that percentage.  We work so hard at communicating with each other on how we feel about the different procedures that we go through. We cry and we listen to one another and we respect each other’s opinions.  Like I stated before, we are not perfect.  We do argue, we do disagree on issues, but we have learned that it is more important for us to be in this journey TOGETHER than to walk it alone.

Bottom line I would not have been able to go through this journey without Chad by my side.  He has taken our wedding vows, “for better or for worse”, and he has done just that. He has lived up to his word and I could not have asked for anything better.  I love you Chad Stephen Martin and I could not imagine my life without you. Thank you for always standing by me and supporting me.  You truly are amazing!!!

One last reason why I love him……after every doctor appointment he always treats me to pancakes at IHOP :) 

Laughter is the best medicine

             Throughout this entire journey we have had our down moments, sadness, and depression. We have also learned that there are some moments when it is just better to laugh, because A) We have no more tears to cry B) We all have a little childish humor still left in us. And for people that really know me, I have a LOT of humor, ha!!

Please do not think we do not take this seriously, because that is quite the opposite. Laughter has been a way to cope with the pain. I hope nothing I am about to say offends you, it is not my purpose of this entry. So tonight I leave you with some of our humor that we have laughed about during our journey…………..

You know you are trying to get pregnant when…Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21″ . . .

“I am suppose to stick this where????”

While giving routine blood (I go in at least twice a month) Chad had to get his blood drawn for a chromosone test.  As I am sitting there getting my 12 viles of blood drawn I look out the corner of my eye and there Chad is passed out and his skin is green from his one vile.  I went to him to make sure he was all right, but as soon as I knew he was not going to die I started laughing.  Chad was trying to make it sound like he had an out of body experience (he related it to an episode of LOST).  He was only making me laugh harder and harder.  I went back and finished my 12 viles and I drove us home and he was out of commission for the rest of the night. 

Chad with his Spiderman sticker

The second time Chad had to give blood I prepped him for a week before going to the clinic.  The nurse was so great. She really made him feel comfortable and relaxed.  He made it through with out passing out and the nurse rewarded him with a sucker and a Spiderman sticker.  I was proud of my big boy!!!

The following are terms that we either made up or we found:

Pitspermitis - the crick in your armpit, which arises from carrying that plastic bottle of semen from home to the clinic.

Pregtember - name of the month you hope to be pregnant by.

Multiple Dwarf Syndrome - a state caused by the ups and downs of fertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, etc; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves," such as horny, bitchy, barfy, crampy, etc.

Cruisin' for a bruisin' - driving one hour each way in rush-hour traffic to have blood drawn by a technician who's blind in one eye and has arthritis in both hands.

“Shots!!!!….Mommy you can be brave………”

Today I had to call my pharmacy to make sure all my medicine was ready for shipment. While I was on the phone I was talking to them about my different types of shots.  After my phone call, Kaylee, ran to me with a worried look and said, “Mom, you have to get shots?” I explained to her, like before, mommy takes the shots because it helps me to have another baby. For those of you that know my four and a half year old I knew that answer was not going to be the end of our discussion.  I was waiting for the “Why” questions. Instead I got a worried look and she left the room. I was thinking….”Wow, for once an easy answer and she bought it”

Kaylee with Ralphie

I went about creating dinner for the family forgetting about our conversation all together.  When dinner was ready I called Kaylee to the dinner table.  She came in with Ralphie (her favorite stuffed dog) and her box of Princess Band-Aids.  I looked at her and asked her if Ralphie had fallen off the bed (that happens a lot in our family) and if he needed a band-aid.  She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, “No! They are for you when you take your shots. Ralphie will help you to be brave and the band-aids are for when it hurts.” With that said she shoved them both into my arms and climbed up to the dinner table to eat her dinner. The tears started to blur my eyes, for at that moment, I realized that my daughter was starting to understand compassion and empathy. I gave Ralphie a squeeze, reached down and gave Kaylee a kiss, and then sat down and thought to myself “Life is Good”. 

         During this journey their have been some low times, but tonight was one of those beautiful moments that makes this journey that much more rewarding. 

A BIG thank you and what comes next.

First off, I have to say thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends. I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I received after posting my first blog. The emails, texts, phone calls, and the words of affirmation that all of you gave me was the support and confidence that I needed to continue. 
The big question that I received is what treatments have we already done and what is our next step, so let me explain...........
We have done six rounds of artificial insemination (IUI), which is a process of daily hormone injections and then the insemination.  All of those have either led to a pregnancy, which in return has resulted in a loss (all around 10 weeks) or no pregnancy.  We are now to the point where IUI is not worth the money or the risk of high multiples.  Last time we went in for our procedure I had 8 follicles (mature eggs).  I mean....we would love a big family, but 8 children at once is not safe for the babies or myself!!!  
I will begin in-vitro fertilization (IVF) this month.  For those of you who are not familiar with IVF, just google it. I don't want to get to intimate in my explanations :)  
This was a huge step emotionally, physically, and financially for us.  
Emotionally it means my hormones will be completely whacked and crazy (more than normal, ha) and Chad will once again have to regulate my shots and make sure I haven't completely fallen off the deep end.  Just imagine your hormones when you are pregnant and times that by ten. One minute I will be crying over a car commercial and the next minute I will be raging because there is a wrinkle in the sheets. I will mention this a lot during this blog.....Chad is amazing!!!  He has put up with so much and he still treats me like a princess. The hormone shots is probably the hardest on him. He hates to see me in pain, especially when it is pain I cannot control.  
Physically it means my stomach and backside will be sore and swollen from all the injections.  It also means large painful cysts that make me unable to do the simplest of activities.  The actual IVF procedure is painful in itself. 
Financially, it just means prioritizing what means the most to us as a family.  IVF is not covered by insurance, but we strongly believe it is what we are suppose to be doing to further our dreams of adding onto our family.  
Once again the question always comes up by many family and friends; Why do this? Why spend all this money? You should be happy with Kaylee. I just don't understand you throwing your money away. YES, these are actually sayings that people have said to us.  It is hard not to take it personally and we are still learning not to.  We just know in our heart of hearts that this is what we are suppose to be doing. We know our family is not complete and we are going to continue to try until we feel that our family is complete. No one can really understand the strong desire of wanting children until they have said they cannot.  There is a fire in us that refuses to give up on this journey.  
Please, keep myself, Chad, and Kaylee in your thoughts and prayers this month.  It is a big month for us and we are praying for a miracle. I leave you with this wonderful quote that both Chad and I have lived by.......... 
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is our Story...............

The day was September 11, 2008 and it was just a typical day.  I got up that morning and got my family ready for the school day, kissed Chad and Kaylee and away to work I went.  I was glowing!! I was 10 weeks pregnant and I couldn’t be happier. 

          My morning was just as I had planned. My kindergarten students and I were learning and learning and I was still glowing!  We had just finished up our morning routine and we headed to lunch.  A teacher even stopped me in the hallway and said, “Mrs. Martin pregnancy looks good on you. You are just glowing from ear to ear.”  I graciously said thank you and went to tend to my regular lunch schedule.  I had a great laugh session with my wonderful colleagues (we tend to have way to much fun during our lunches).  I had about five more minutes before I was due to pick up my kids from lunch, so headed to the ladies room.  And that is when my life changed forever………..

          I will never forget that gut wrenching, knife in the heart, feeling when I looked down to find a pool of blood. It was like time stood still. My head was spinning and I kept blinking thinking, “This is not happening to me.” I was trying not to think the worst, but how could I not. This much bleeding is not normal during a pregnancy.  I couldn’t move.

          Long story short we went to the doctor and I was going through a miscarriage. The doctor made it sound like it was not a big deal (I ended up finding a new O.B.). The doctor gave us a quick two-minute speech that was obviously rehearsed and told me to take a day off and that everything would be all right.  Chad and I walked out of the doctor’s office hand in hand and our hearts buried into the ground.

          That day was the beginning of a whole new journey that we never thought in a million years we would be taking. It has been a journey of tears, laughter, sorrow, depression, questions, loneliness, and togetherness. It has been a journey of losing five babies and going through multiple fertility treatments, blood test, needles and pokes, spreading of the legs, embarrassment, and shame. But it has also been a journey of determination, perseverance, love, and the will to never give up. This journey has not been easy. Chad and I have had to go through a lot of things alone with very little support (mainly our faults because we thought family and friends didn’t want to hear about our problems), but it has made our love for each other that much stronger. 

          So……this is why I have decided to bog, to share my story. And if my story helps one other woman/couple than I have succeeded. The issue of fertility is so hush, hush and I want to let my voice be heard. I don’t have to go through this alone.  I will talk about what I have gone through, what Chad has gone through, and what we have gone through as a couple. Please feel free to ask questions and to leave comments. My hope is that by reading my story it will make you more aware of the issue and more sensitive to what thousands of woman/couples go through daily.