A Random act of Kindness

     

   A couple of weeks ago I went and did a session of acupuncture. You laugh, but research shows it really helps with women that undergo IVF. My fertility doctor also encouraged me to try it, so I did my research and found a local acupuncturist.

            As I arrived to her house I had no idea what to expect.  Television and movies hype these type of workers up to be either weird hippies or wacky crazy people. And of course I had watched movies where they stick these huge needles in you, yet another hype.  I remember pulling into her driveway thinking I could turn around and no one would even know that I was here. I chalked it up and rang the doorbell.  This lovely warm and kindhearted woman greeted me. She made me feel so welcome and soon all my anxiety left my body. 

            She wanted to get to know me a little so we sat down and I filled out paper work and she asked why I was getting acupuncture.  I told her my fertility journey and she listened with great intent. After we were doing talking she took me into her office and the procedure began.  WOW!!! All I can tell you is that you have to try this. It was the best hour of my life. I felt like I had the best power nap and vacation all wrapped into one. 

            When we were done with my session she gave me some water and I was sitting on her couch making small talk. She came over and she began to share with me her story.  She and her husband also had to undergo IVF for both of her children.  We talked for about five minutes. She then proceeded to tell me that when she got up that morning she was getting dressed and something urged her to put on the necklace that she was wearing. She wasn’t sure why she felt she needed to wear this necklace, but she knew she had to wear it. She put it on and went about her day. While she was in her session with me it dawned on her why she was urged to put on this necklace. She knew her necklace was suppose to be around my neck. It was a necklace of Mother Mary. Mother Mary, in the Catholic Church, is the watcher over you and protector of you. The intercessions of Mary are closely connected to this belief. Just as Mary was the link between heaven and earth when she lived on this earth, believers have historically believed that Mary continues to help us. Mary's prayers have been invoked by millions of people around the world who seek her assistance in every kind of difficulty.

         Mary's prayers have been requested by sailors at sea, couples struggling with infertility, soldiers heading into battle, farmers sowing their fields, and parents who grieve the loss of a child. Just as little children run to their mother when they are afraid, for centuries, believers have invoked Mary's prayers.

By now I had tears in my eyes while she was telling me this story.  She took the necklace off and put it in my hands and told me it was now mine.  With the tears now flowing I could do nothing but hug her. 

            This woman that I had just met had opened up her heart to me and shared with me something very special and dear to her.  Some might think I am a little crazy for doing acupuncture but I am more than certain that my meeting this woman was not done by accident. That day I needed someone who had walked in my shoes, which had hurt like I had hurt, and who understood the pain that I have been going through.  I drove away from her house with my heart at peace and my neck sporting a beautiful new necklace that I would wear daily and cherish forever.  

The Climb

This is one of my favorite songs right now. I just love the lyrics. This pretty much sums up our journey. The picture above was taking last summer when we were in Puerto Rico. We hiked part of the rainforest. We felt so accomplished when we reached the peak.

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

One of the beautiful waterfalls at the rainforest in Puerto Rico

The Heart

What is so often considered a matter of science and physicality, fertility can often be boxed into being a practical problem; one to be solved through medical interventions and specialists assistance. However, in the midst of doctors appointments, blood tests (oh so many blood tests!), injections, ultrasounds, hormonal swings and goodness knows what else, it would be easy to forget the one very crucial part of the anatomy that gets a real beating throughout the journey the heart. (So, technically not the actual heart, but join me on the metaphorical road here).

What a lot of people who are not in this battle often don't realize, is that each month that passes empty, can in itself be a time of grieving. As months and years pass and dreams go unfulfilled, it can be difficult to maintain hope, and the heart becomes weary and sore. If you add to that failed IUI and IVF attempts and miscarriages, the grief can start to become overwhelming.

I found it perplexing the reactions my heart began to have to different situations. How I could feel joy and peace when some friends got pregnant, yet at others good fortune, I struggled. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing personal to account for this. Just a heart whose great desire to expand our family was waiting, still waiting.

Today my heart is filled with joy and peace. A dear friend of mine called me to wish me happy birthday and she asked how I was doing.  I told her I was neutral. I do not want to get to excited, because I am afraid of the let down, but I also do not want to be Debbie Downer (SNL skit) and not be excited. I told her it is out of my hands.  She said, “Christina you are right. It was never in your hands. It has always been in His.” Wow!  Thank you Jessica for putting it into perspective for me. As many times as we might think we are in control, we are not. I am learning to trust and lean on God through out this journey. For those of you that truly know me….I am a bit of a control freak, ha!!!! I know I am a work in progress. 

If you are battling fertility issues, you know how the heart can ache. How you can grieve so deeply for something you don’t have. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. He knows that as we wait and hope, it hurts. He knows that as our dreams remain just that, dreams, that our heart becomes heavy. He knows and He cares. Even when you feel like He doesn't care, or that He has forgotten us, I know that this is not true. That in fact, He is the answer to your heart-sickness.

Okay….enough sentimental stuff for the night.

Girlfriends

15+ years of friendship (myself, Vanessa, and Jessica)

When I was a in elementary school I would sit with my three closest friends (Jessica, Vanessa, and Katie) and we would talk about how we would grow old, and who we would marry, and how many babies we would have. We even would go through the JC Penny magazines and circle what cribs, bassinets, blankets, etc. that we would want. As we got older we would write in our journals/diaries what names we liked for our kids and who that special boy was whom we adored at the time (because you know it changed by the week).  We even dreamed about having weddings all on the same day, ha! Wouldn’t that have been a train wreck? We never thought about the hardships of parenthood or the journeys that each of us would go through. We were just silly innocent girls without a care in the world.

In high school I moved away from my hometown and my life changed forever.  I went through a lot of changes. Some good, some bad, but they were all changes that molded me into the woman I am today.  And it is funny how life plays out.  Each one of my closest friends from elementary ended up marrying people that were not on our “list” and our kid’s names are not ones we thought of back then, but we are all blessed and extremely happy with the journey that God has given us.

I look back at the day I left my hometown. I was crushed, angry, mad, etc. But if my parents would have never moved I would have never had the experiences of making some more of the greatest friends and meeting my husband. My best friend from high school and I are so alike, but so different it is scary sometimes, but one thing remains the same. Our loyalty to each other will never die. 

Those girlfriends, from elementary, and I are still close today.  We do not talk every single day, but when we do we pick up right from where we left off.  We try to see each other when one is passing through town. We are there for each other for the happy moments in life and we are there for each other for the lows. We will be friends for life. 

I couldn’t imagine life without my girlfriends, old or new.  I do not have a ton of girlfriends, but I think quality over quantity is the best way to go. .  My girlfriends have helped me get through all the hurdles in life. Especially the gross parts that my husband might not understand (all that woman junk). Thank you to all my wonderful girlfriends! I wish the blog was long enough so I could list and put pictures of you all……..I love you very much!!

My BFF Mindy and I at my 1/2 Marathon

Andrea and I 

News.........

I am going to make this short and sweet. Yesterday, I had my egg retrieval and it was very successful. The only negative was that my body did not react well to the drugs to help ease the pain, so they were not able to give me what they normal would.  As soon as they tried to give me more my oxygen levels would dip low. I had the wonderful experience of feeling a LOT more than I would have liked.  Ha! I pretty much was out of commission the rest of the day.  I remember trying to text a girlfriend of mine and she said it was mumble jumble and I vaguely remember talking to my mother-in-law, but I couldn’t tell you a word we said to each other. 

After we got home, I retreated to my bed for the rest of the day/night. Chad woke me up to take my medicine and to help me go to the bathroom.  I woke up this morning around 4 a.m. wide awake……..I wonder why!!!! 

This morning we received a phone call from our fertility doctor and the embryologist. As soon as the phone rang my heart started pounding, because I wasn’t sure what type of news I would hear.  We were so excited to hear that all of the eggs that they retrieved were healthy and fertilized, except for one.  That is AWESOME!!!!!!  After we hung the phone up Chad and I just held each other tight and cried. All the shots, medicine, trips to Grand Rapids, surgery, spreading of the legs were all worth it.  The doctors were able to get what they needed. 

Tomorrow morning we will go back and they will do the embryo transfers. What does that mean?? That does not mean we are pregnant tomorrow.  All they are doing is putting fertilized embryos into my uterus. There are still a lot of things those little embryos have to do on their own in the next two weeks.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We have definitely been feeling all the prayers, love, and support. 

I leave you with this funny comic that was sent to us by a friend. 

 

Smiling.........

    

   Monday I was white knuckling it to Grand Rapids for yet another doctor appointment.  The roads were awful and the sun was shining so bright.  I woke up really early that morning and could not fall back asleep.  I lay in bed and I started thinking about our journey that we have been on for the past two and a half years.  While thinking, I teared up, I chuckled, I smiled, and I reminisced.  I continued my reminiscing while I was driving to my appointment.  My fears and anxiety started to crumble like the ice under the tires of my car. I started feeling excited and ready for what the week has in store for me.  I found myself smiling from ear to ear while gripping the steering wheel for dear life!!! 

    When I arrived safe and sound to my appointment I was greeted with a big hug from my IVF nurse. My nurse is usually always super friendly, but I have never been greeted with a hug.  As she hugged me she said, “Are you excited? This is your big week!!” I thought to myself…..”I don’t know??? Am I supposed to be excited?” The past week has been full of crazy emotions. I knew I felt chipper at that moment, so I just went with it.  I mean who doesn’t like driving in a horrible snow storm, an hour and a half each way, just to get some blood work and to spread my legs open for the umpteenth time for my doctor?!?!?! Ha!!  The nurse took me to my room where I proceeded to get undressed and I covered myself so nicely with the lovely starched sheet that they graciously lay out for me each time.  While I was sitting on the crunchy cold white paper, with my feet in the wonderful stir-ups, waiting in the room for the doctor to come in I couldn’t help but smile. Once again, I am not sure why I was smiling from ear to ear, but I was.  My wonderful doctor came in and greeted me with a big smile and then walked around to the side of my bed and he too gave me a hug. He looked at me and said, “This is your week. We are so excited for you.” As he started my exam I couldn’t help the tears that were gushing down my cheek.  I think for the first time I shed happy tears at my appointment.  My doctor asked me if I was all right and I replied, “Yes.” I explained that in the past week I had gone through every emotion possible. I was nervous, excited, scared, anxious, depressed, happy, etc. But on this day I only had one, excited!  With the help of my nurses, doctors, and staff I felt excited. Yes, I still have fears, but I am excited for what this week has to offer. After my exam I quickly got dressed and went in to speak with the doctor.  He greeted me with yet another hug and I told him how much I appreciated all the support that him and his staff had given me over the years. The appointment went very well and I am right on track for my retrieval of my eggs on Friday.

    As I was driving home, the sun peered over the trees and I just said, “Thank you” to God for putting the right people in my life at the right time.  Thank you for surrounding me with people that encourage and uplift me just when I need it. 

I cast my cares on You Lord (right now!). [I Peter 5:7]

Quick update

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. You shine all the time, Angel, and in these dark times, your inner beauty will continue to illuminate around you. Know that when it seems the world can't get any darker and you don't have the strength to shine your light, let those who love you shine for you and show you the way again." 

This was part of a letter that I received from my wonderful mom. Her daily prayers and phone calls have been uplifting to my soul. She has taught me how to find my inner strength and to hold onto my faith. I love you mom!!

This week has been a long hard week. My shots have increased (four a day) and my body is starting to feel the effects of everything.  My stomach is so bloated (because of all the growing follicles) that I have resorted to wearing leggings and anything else with an elastic waist.   Some of the medication has really made me nauseas and super tired.  One of the medications is instant nausea and tiredness. As soon as I take the needle out of my stomach I am pretty much on the couch and sleeping. The trips to Grand Rapids every other day have also not been the easiest. I am not complaining, just explaining!!

                        Another side effect from my medicine has been weird dreams. I haven’t been able to have a good night sleep since I started my shots.  I have been having very scary realistic dreams. Some of them so bad that I wake up in a cold sweat, trembling, and terrified. It has been really hard for me to be away from Chad and Kaylee, because I am afraid that these dreams will come true. Chad has been so great (as well as Kaylee).  The other day I was having one of my moments and I just went in and lay with Kaylee in her bed and watched her sleep. There is something about a sleeping child that can make everything okay (especially when it is my beautiful child).

I think the hardest part of this week has been the realization of everything that is taking place.  I know my last blog entry was about emotions, so I don’t want to touch to much on that again, but it is hard not to.  The anxiety, excitement, stress, and nervousness of all of this is beyond words.  I (we) are getting very excited, but with that same amount of excitement we are extremely nervous about this procedure failing. Failing has never been apart of my vocabulary.

The past two days the sun has been shinning so bright and it has really made our spirits much happier.  We have taken some walks, bike rides, and have just enjoyed some family time.  I cannot express how much we appreciate all of the outpouring love and support. The cards, emails, texts, and hugs have all been so encouraging.