The Heart

What is so often considered a matter of science and physicality, fertility can often be boxed into being a practical problem; one to be solved through medical interventions and specialists assistance. However, in the midst of doctors appointments, blood tests (oh so many blood tests!), injections, ultrasounds, hormonal swings and goodness knows what else, it would be easy to forget the one very crucial part of the anatomy that gets a real beating throughout the journey the heart. (So, technically not the actual heart, but join me on the metaphorical road here).

What a lot of people who are not in this battle often don't realize, is that each month that passes empty, can in itself be a time of grieving. As months and years pass and dreams go unfulfilled, it can be difficult to maintain hope, and the heart becomes weary and sore. If you add to that failed IUI and IVF attempts and miscarriages, the grief can start to become overwhelming.

I found it perplexing the reactions my heart began to have to different situations. How I could feel joy and peace when some friends got pregnant, yet at others good fortune, I struggled. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing personal to account for this. Just a heart whose great desire to expand our family was waiting, still waiting.

Today my heart is filled with joy and peace. A dear friend of mine called me to wish me happy birthday and she asked how I was doing.  I told her I was neutral. I do not want to get to excited, because I am afraid of the let down, but I also do not want to be Debbie Downer (SNL skit) and not be excited. I told her it is out of my hands.  She said, “Christina you are right. It was never in your hands. It has always been in His.” Wow!  Thank you Jessica for putting it into perspective for me. As many times as we might think we are in control, we are not. I am learning to trust and lean on God through out this journey. For those of you that truly know me….I am a bit of a control freak, ha!!!! I know I am a work in progress. 

If you are battling fertility issues, you know how the heart can ache. How you can grieve so deeply for something you don’t have. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. He knows that as we wait and hope, it hurts. He knows that as our dreams remain just that, dreams, that our heart becomes heavy. He knows and He cares. Even when you feel like He doesn't care, or that He has forgotten us, I know that this is not true. That in fact, He is the answer to your heart-sickness.

Okay….enough sentimental stuff for the night.