Thanksgiving

 This year we all get into the holiday spirit, by posting or tweeting everything that we are thankful for. What does this all mean? Does it make it more real when we proclaim our Thanks to the world? 
I know for me it has really made me stop and cherish those people, moments, and memories that I am thankful for. It is easy to say, "Day 22 I am thankful for my family." What does that mean? 
Today was a really hard day for the Martin Family (I will explain that in a second). Today I was thankful for the laughter of my children at dinner time. It soothed my heartache. Today I was thankful for my Kaylee hug....it wasn't just an ordinary hug. It was a "mom I get it and I am so sorry" kind of hug....the kind of hug that last for eternity!! Today I was thankful for the phone calls from family and friends. Today those phone calls where nothing but ordinary. I felt a sense of peace with each call. Today I am thankful for my strong and amazing husband who never leaves my side. We hugged today and cried today like never before. His amazing strength is beyond words. Today I was thankful for the "extra" kisses from Sydney and Chelsea. They can be few and far between with the way those two girls play, but tonight it's like they knew mommy needed them. They would be playing and just come up to me and say, "Kiss mom?" 
As most of you know Chad and I cannot have kids naturally. Our doctors still don't believe us that Kaylee was concieved naturally. We found out about 3 weeks ago that we were expecting!!!! You could imagine how amazed and shocked we both were over the news. The questions were just spinning in our heads so fast: How does this happen? Can we handle 4 kids? How are we going to do this? I just sold all my baby stuff?? How does this happen? (that was a reaccuring question).
After that first sleepless night we started getting so excited. This was happening....we don't know how, but God must have a plan. I, of course, immediately phoned my fertility doctor and my OB so I could get on my daily regime of medication and shots (my body for some reason rejects pregnancies).
About a week later my HCG levels where not going up like they are suppose to, so my doctor was concernced about early miscarriage and maybe even an ectopic pregnancy. We went in for our first ulttrasound around 5 1/2 weeks. We have been down this rode so many times so I was prepping myself for the worst. We were over joyed when we got to see our little peanut on the screen. Things were looking good. My doctor took me off work so my body could rest and relax and I was starting to wrap my brain around all that was going on.
Last Wednesday we went for another ultrasound and the tears just started to fall....good tears. There is nothing like seeing that little heart flicker for the first time. I remember squeezing Chads hand and feeling so relaxed and calm. And then Wednesday night.....the bleeding and cramping. The pain I remember all to well from our past loses. After talking with my doctors they didn't seem to concerned because at our initial ultrasound we had 2 sacs, but one was empty. I hung up the phone, but I knew something was not right. I remember thinking, this can't be happening AGAIN!! We weren't even trying or wanting another child, why would this happen to us? 
We held onto hope all weekend long. Today we went in for an ultrasound and once again the tears started to flow......but there was no joy this time. No little flicker of a heartbeat, no little dancing jellybean, just a lifeless little peanut. Remember how I told you earlier that I was thankful for Chad's hug? My body was lifeless. I couldn't physically move from that chair. Chad just scooped me up and protected me from the pain. His warmth and love comforted me like never before. We said our goodbyes to our little one and quietly left the room. My heart is heavy and my body is numb. Tomorrow I will undergo a small surgery. Please keep my family in your prayers. Kaylee's heart is so big and yet it is still so small to process everything. Pray for peace as we enter this holiday season.
There are still so many questions running in my head. And I could sit here and choose to be angry and bitter at the world (I am sure there will be day or two for that), but today I CHOOSE to be Thankful. Thankful for the reminder that I do have 3 beautiful miracles. Thankful for the 7 1/2 weeks of pregnancy that brought us joy. Thankful for the memories I will have of this little peanut. Thankful for God and His peaceful presence. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for life, even if it was for a short time.
So this week, when you are telling people Happy Thanksgiving, say it like you mean it!  Hug a little tighter and love like there is no tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours!!