Memories of Motherhood

Hush now baby don't you cry
Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby

Know though I must leave, my child
That I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone
Remember this sweet lullaby

And all love through darkness
Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn
With love you'll find your way
My love

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes
I will sing this lullaby

Yes I will sing this lullaby
Oooooohhh (Song by Josh Groban)


This is one of the songs I use to sing to Kaylee when she was a little babe.  I can still smell her sweet newborn smell while I sat exhausted night after night rocking her to sleep.  I remember thinking, "Wow, she is all mine!!!" I could not wait to have more babies.  I vividly recall a family member asking right after Kaylee was born if I would do it again and I with hesitation said, "YES!"  The joys of motherhood are beyond explanation.  Don't get me wrong, there are some times I wanted to pull my hair out, but the joys always out weigh those stressful times.  
My daughter has taught me so much about myself and life.  I never new something so tiny could make my heart so big!  She has taught me to stop and enjoy the little things in life.  I hope I can teach her half of what she has taught me.  
Tonight she came home from Grandma and Grandpa's house and she was extra tired.  She climbed up on my lap and just wanted to cuddle.  This is a very rare occurrence with an almost 5 year old!!!  I asked her if she was feeling okay and she told me she just missed me and wanted some love! Talk about tears gushing from my face.  We got our pj's on and read our books and then I picked her up and rocked her and sang her this sweet lullaby.  As I sang I had tears of joy streaming down my face.  Oh how the past five years have brought me so much sweet joy.  
During our struggles to have more children it was easy to forget about the joys that life has already blessed us with.  Tonight I was gently reminded of one of my biggest joys....rocking my first born and remembering my first memories of motherhood.  I look forward to rocking two more blessings this coming fall.  
Now go grab your child or children and hug/rock/sing to them.  Life is to precious and goes by to fast.  Cling on to the wonderful memories that our children give us!  

National Infertility Awareness Week

1 in 8 women and men are diagnosed with infertility. RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and telling truths about the most popular public myths and misconceptions about the disease of infertility and the different ways people build their families.

Today I wanted to share what I think the world needs to know about infertility.  I am proud to say that my husband and I struggled. It is nothing to be ashamed of and we have come to learn that this is the path for us.  I have been working with our Fertility Center and I am hoping this summer to join them when they do their seminars about their procedures.  I am very passionate about sharing our family story. I feel very strongly about edcuating the world on the TRUE facts about infertility. 
If I could tell the world about infertility I would tell them . . .

1. Infertility is a disease.  A terrifying diagnosis that is only given to you once you have suffered for months.  Imagine going to the doctor’s and being diagnosed with diabetes and then people telling you to just stop thinking about it or trying to treat it and it will go away?!  Doesn’t sound feasible right?  Exactly.
2. This isn’t just about an adorable baby. Infertility affects a couple’s desire to have a family- raise children who can make snow angels, go off to middle school, graduate from college.  The dream doesn’t stop at just “getting” pregnant. Their vision of the future and their hopes and dreams that they have shared with each other for years lie in the balance. 
3. Saying nothing hurts worse than saying the wrong thing.  Don’t distance yourself from those going through infertility.  We infertiles don’t expect you to know the right thing to say or do.  We just need your love and support.  A kind ear, a hug.  When you pull away from those you love because you don’t understand their struggle you are jeopardizing a friendship. This is one of the most intense experiences one will ever have, and a true friend stands by.
4. The world is not infertile friendly.  We are overwhelmed by commercials, reality tv shows, and magazine articles that promise the public an inside look into the world of pregnancy- a world we only dream of.  Entertainment magazines are showing us the latest “baby bump” or highlighting the latest adoption or surrogacy success.  The reality is that many of us can not afford what these celebrities can (go ahead an look up the price of adoption, or surrogacy, or even IVF).  Moral here is we can’t escape it.  On our loneliest days an EPT commercial will play between segments of 16 and pregnant just as a reminder of what we can’t accomplish.
5. We are always searching for the reason. We are always searching for a way out.  Not a day goes by where we don’t question  if what we are doing/not doing could be the reason for our infertility.  Could it be the caffeine?  Should I take a multivitamin supplement?  Is God punishing me? Should I have never gone on the pill? Should I stop exercising? It is a game of what ifs and why nots- with no answers.
6. Infertility is not just relegated to the bedroom.  Yes, our sex lives are turned upside down by infertility, but infertility impacts all areas of someones’ life.  Physically, emotionally, financially.  Relationships are tested.  Personal faith is tested.  Your professional life is impacted.  It becomes a daily struggle to NOT let infertility rule your life.  We spend just as much energy trying to get beyond infertility as we doing trying to forget about infertility so we can function with some normalcy.  Any infertile will tell you, its exhausting.
7. Failure becomes an option. For many infertiles we spend years accomplishing the goals we have in life.  We work hard to get into the college or  secure the job we want.  We work hard at building great relationships.  We set goals and despite bumps in the road, we are always told that hard work pays off.  Our self-esteem soars when we are able to put our heart and soul into something and then reap the rewards of reaching a goal.  Then comes infertility.  All of a sudden hard work, diligence, dedication, desire, aren’t enough.  Who we are as women (and men), our identity, our self-worth, is in the balance.  Some of us, for the first times in our lives, are failing, and failing and failing and failing.  Every 28 days.
8. Infertility hurts.  The raw emotions, the physical side effects, the anxiety and worry. Those around us feel helpless. We feel helpless.  We are on a roller coaster that many of us are unwilling to get off of until are dreams are fulfilled.
9. Infertility isn’t life threatening but life altering.  Infertility changes us.  It makes us stronger, wiser, kinder, and much more appreciative of what we do have in our lives.  It makes us bolder and braver than we could ever imagine.  We are changed by this experience.  Our lives and the lives of those around us are altered by this fight to have what so many get so easily.  Our perspective on what it means to be a mother/father will forever be changed.  This is a good thing.
10. Help us gather hope.  Support anyone you know who struggles with infertility in any way you know how.  Share your experiences with others.  Share your laughter.  Never go silent about the struggle of infertility.  ALL of us are responsible for shedding light on infertility so that we can offer hope and opportunity for families in the future.  Speak up, speak out, and offer up prayers and hope.

Let this week be a week of celebration.  Let us celebrate those who have found their way out of this struggle and are on their way to their dreams.  Let us celebrate those family and friends who willingly walking down this road with us.  Let us celebrate that infertility is part of us but does not define us.  Let us celebrate that we have each other, we have hope, we have love, and we are holding on tightly to our dreams.

Twins

Our 2 beautiful miracles!!

Chad and I are happy to announce that we will be welcoming twins into our family this fall.  As most of you know we underwent IVF in February and we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant.  Getting that phone call is something I will never forget.  My phone rang while I was at work and I knew it was the call I had been waiting for. My hands were shaking and I could barely pick up the phone.  For 2 1/2 years we have undergone multiple fertility treatments just to hear the dr. say, "Sorry, not this time.....". My nerves were just shot!!! I picked up the phone and my IVF nurse, Sandy, started talking to me.  She gave me the good news and I think for the first time in my life I was speechless (which those of you that know me well, know that this does not happen very often).  I could not physically talk. Tears were running down my cheek.  After finally getting my speech back I spoke with my nurse for a few minutes before hanging up.  I hung up and I could not move!! I stood there in my office feeling like time stood still.  I immediately called Chad at work and he thought it was bad news because I was crying so much he couldn't understand a word I was saying.  I kept trying to tell him the good news, but every time I opened my mouth tears of joy just flowed down my cheeks.  I finally spit out the good news and we both just cried with each other over the phone! We were on cloud nine!!!!!
For those of you who have been following our journey, you know all to well that the first couple weeks is the most critical for us.  It was so hard to get 100% excited, because we had lost before.  I went back every other day for a week or so to do blood work to make sure my hormone levels were increasing. Each time they would more than double and we would celebrate a little bit more.
We went into our Fertility doctor for our 6 week ultrasound and we were a bit shocked when we saw two little babies on the screen.  Once again, we were both speechless!!!  How can we go from years of struggling to being double blessed in a matter of seconds?!?!  We walked out of our appointment just beaming!!!!!! We slowly started to tell family and friends our wonderful news!!
At 7 1/2 weeks we were on our way to Florida for our annual Spring Break trip.  This year we decided to drive because air tickets were so expensive and all our extra money had gone to our IVF procedure.  We packed up the car and we got as far as Holland, Mi.  I ended up in the ER with a subchorionic hematoma (a blood clot in my uterus). That was the scariest day of our lives. We thought we were losing the babies.  And that is all I want to explain about that horrific day!!! Chad and I wish they made a medicine to erase the memories of that day.  I had almost 2 weeks of strict bed rest and 1 week of mild bed rest.  We do not realize how many friends and family surround us until something like this happens. We were so overwhelmed by all the dinners, snacks, movies, and yummies people brought over to us.  It touched us in ways we cannot express.
We went in today for our last appointment with our Fertility doctor (almost through my first trimester). It was a bittersweet day.  The Fertility Clinic in Grand Rapids, MI has given our family something we can never give back....they gave us hope when we had none, they gave us a shoulder to cry on and a person to yell at, they gave us peace and comfort, and the best of all they gave us complete joy.  We will be forever grateful to every nurse, secretary, and doctor that we came in contact with over the past couple of years.  Chad and I both teared up today when we hugged our doctor good-bye......but at the same time we are excited for what our journey has in store for the both of us and our growing family.

Hope Blanket

I want to share a letter with you that Chad and I received a few weeks ago.  It was one that touched our hearts forever. The letter is from a couple that knew my family when we lived in Petoskey, Michigan.  I have had no contact with the family in over 15 years, but she got a hold of my blog and became a member.
Let me share the letter with you.

Dear Chad and Christina,
      It has been Brian and my pleasure to make this blanket for the two of you. We understand the heart break and yearning you have gone through for a child. The Bible says, "God gives us the desires of our heart." We believe that God first puts that desire there and then He gives you what you so desire.
      The short version of how I began making "Hope Blankets" is, when we were struggling to have our first child a close family friend made me a promise to make this special blanket when I became pregnant. She had made a few offers to make this special blanket, by God's leading, and each time the couple had a baby. when I got pregnant she began making the blanket. A few years passed and I kept thinking, how can I pass this blessing along? The one thought that kept coming to me is that the wait and see game is so hard. Keeping positive and having hope that it would happen is really tough.  One day I felt God leading me to crochet a blanket for a couple who wanted a baby so bad. I wanted to give it to them before they got pregnant, so they wouldn't lose hope. I haven't seen them in years, I haven't even met their children.
     Your "Hope Blanket" was made by both Brian and I. Brian rolled each skein of yarn and he would keep careful watch to unravel a bunch while I crocheted, which made the process so much faster. As I crocheted your blanket I prayed for both of you and this long journey you have traveled. I prayed God to bless you with another child, that Christina would become pregnant, that you would grow a healthy baby. I prayed that this baby would grow and only get as big as it needed to so that labor would be easier. 
     I have never made a blanket like this one before. It is unique. As I was crocheting I felt God say to me that the blanket was creative and unique, just like the way you are trying to have a baby. You had to find a different way to conceive. Finally, I would like to say, this could be just me, but as I began crocheting your blanket I had the feeling that I may need to make a second one. So, if you should find out that you need more than one blanket, please let me know. I would be honored to make another. 
     The definition of hope is to earnestly expect. We hope you can wrap a new family member in this blanket soon.
                                              God Bless,

Our "Hope Blanket"

                                              Brian and Melody Bennett


Chad and I read this and wept. We were so touched by this couples generosity and empathy for our journey. This blanket is the most beautiful blanket we have ever seen or held. We love cuddling with it at night time when we are watching television together.  We have talked about ways that we can "pay it forward" to couples who are struggling with conception.  We have made a promise to each other that we will help others who are struggling with their journey. This blanket along with framed letter will be the first new items that we put into our babies nursery. This blanket is so special to our family.  
We have not told Melody yet, but we will be needing that second blanket.  We found out a couple weeks ago that we are expecting twins!!! We are over joyed and so grateful for every step that we have taken together during our journey. We have had a couple bumps in the rode already, but God has kept watch over each and every one of us along the way.  

A Random act of Kindness

     

   A couple of weeks ago I went and did a session of acupuncture. You laugh, but research shows it really helps with women that undergo IVF. My fertility doctor also encouraged me to try it, so I did my research and found a local acupuncturist.

            As I arrived to her house I had no idea what to expect.  Television and movies hype these type of workers up to be either weird hippies or wacky crazy people. And of course I had watched movies where they stick these huge needles in you, yet another hype.  I remember pulling into her driveway thinking I could turn around and no one would even know that I was here. I chalked it up and rang the doorbell.  This lovely warm and kindhearted woman greeted me. She made me feel so welcome and soon all my anxiety left my body. 

            She wanted to get to know me a little so we sat down and I filled out paper work and she asked why I was getting acupuncture.  I told her my fertility journey and she listened with great intent. After we were doing talking she took me into her office and the procedure began.  WOW!!! All I can tell you is that you have to try this. It was the best hour of my life. I felt like I had the best power nap and vacation all wrapped into one. 

            When we were done with my session she gave me some water and I was sitting on her couch making small talk. She came over and she began to share with me her story.  She and her husband also had to undergo IVF for both of her children.  We talked for about five minutes. She then proceeded to tell me that when she got up that morning she was getting dressed and something urged her to put on the necklace that she was wearing. She wasn’t sure why she felt she needed to wear this necklace, but she knew she had to wear it. She put it on and went about her day. While she was in her session with me it dawned on her why she was urged to put on this necklace. She knew her necklace was suppose to be around my neck. It was a necklace of Mother Mary. Mother Mary, in the Catholic Church, is the watcher over you and protector of you. The intercessions of Mary are closely connected to this belief. Just as Mary was the link between heaven and earth when she lived on this earth, believers have historically believed that Mary continues to help us. Mary's prayers have been invoked by millions of people around the world who seek her assistance in every kind of difficulty.

         Mary's prayers have been requested by sailors at sea, couples struggling with infertility, soldiers heading into battle, farmers sowing their fields, and parents who grieve the loss of a child. Just as little children run to their mother when they are afraid, for centuries, believers have invoked Mary's prayers.

By now I had tears in my eyes while she was telling me this story.  She took the necklace off and put it in my hands and told me it was now mine.  With the tears now flowing I could do nothing but hug her. 

            This woman that I had just met had opened up her heart to me and shared with me something very special and dear to her.  Some might think I am a little crazy for doing acupuncture but I am more than certain that my meeting this woman was not done by accident. That day I needed someone who had walked in my shoes, which had hurt like I had hurt, and who understood the pain that I have been going through.  I drove away from her house with my heart at peace and my neck sporting a beautiful new necklace that I would wear daily and cherish forever.  

The Climb

This is one of my favorite songs right now. I just love the lyrics. This pretty much sums up our journey. The picture above was taking last summer when we were in Puerto Rico. We hiked part of the rainforest. We felt so accomplished when we reached the peak.

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

One of the beautiful waterfalls at the rainforest in Puerto Rico

The Heart

What is so often considered a matter of science and physicality, fertility can often be boxed into being a practical problem; one to be solved through medical interventions and specialists assistance. However, in the midst of doctors appointments, blood tests (oh so many blood tests!), injections, ultrasounds, hormonal swings and goodness knows what else, it would be easy to forget the one very crucial part of the anatomy that gets a real beating throughout the journey the heart. (So, technically not the actual heart, but join me on the metaphorical road here).

What a lot of people who are not in this battle often don't realize, is that each month that passes empty, can in itself be a time of grieving. As months and years pass and dreams go unfulfilled, it can be difficult to maintain hope, and the heart becomes weary and sore. If you add to that failed IUI and IVF attempts and miscarriages, the grief can start to become overwhelming.

I found it perplexing the reactions my heart began to have to different situations. How I could feel joy and peace when some friends got pregnant, yet at others good fortune, I struggled. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing personal to account for this. Just a heart whose great desire to expand our family was waiting, still waiting.

Today my heart is filled with joy and peace. A dear friend of mine called me to wish me happy birthday and she asked how I was doing.  I told her I was neutral. I do not want to get to excited, because I am afraid of the let down, but I also do not want to be Debbie Downer (SNL skit) and not be excited. I told her it is out of my hands.  She said, “Christina you are right. It was never in your hands. It has always been in His.” Wow!  Thank you Jessica for putting it into perspective for me. As many times as we might think we are in control, we are not. I am learning to trust and lean on God through out this journey. For those of you that truly know me….I am a bit of a control freak, ha!!!! I know I am a work in progress. 

If you are battling fertility issues, you know how the heart can ache. How you can grieve so deeply for something you don’t have. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. He knows that as we wait and hope, it hurts. He knows that as our dreams remain just that, dreams, that our heart becomes heavy. He knows and He cares. Even when you feel like He doesn't care, or that He has forgotten us, I know that this is not true. That in fact, He is the answer to your heart-sickness.

Okay….enough sentimental stuff for the night.