“Infertility is about so much more than the inability to conceive. It can rock a woman's very foundations -- her sense of control over her own future, her faith in her own body, and her feelings about herself as a woman. It can result in a loss of innocence, as a woman finds herself on the wrong side of the statistics. Suddenly, bad things don't just happen to other people. Despite all her efforts, she is unable to achieve the experience that many women see as a birthright. Pregnancy likely cannot be achieved except with substantial medical help, and may very well never be achieved at all.
If a pregnancy finally does occur, it can be difficult for a woman who has experienced infertility to view herself as just another pregnant woman. The long-desired pregnancy may not be the joyous experience she has dreamed about. The experience of infertility brings its own baggage to a pregnancy: grief for previous losses; anxiety; and fear that her body, unable to conceive on its own, may not be able to carry a pregnancy.” –From Our Bodies Ourselves
Women who conceive after a loss and/or infertility often have similar experiences during pregnancy. If you, like me, have suffered from such a loss, you may experience one or many of the following:
- Feeling different from other pregnant women.
One woman says, “Other than brief spurts, I couldn't get excited until the very end, and even that was guarded. I've had friends who've seemed to go through pregnancies with an air of expectation that everything will work out, and I'm envious of the joy they seem to have had. I felt like all the commercials and cards out there about the joys of pregnancy were written for someone other than me. It made me feel defective a bit, that I couldn't get into fully loving being pregnant, even though my pregnancy was easy.” On our last ultrasound we discovered that my hematoma was finally gone. That was such a relief for me. I felt like I could finally start enjoying being pregnant. - Feeling like you don't belong.
I sometimes feel like the average pregnant woman can’t understand my feelings, yet I feel uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy with my infertile friends who are still undergoing treatments. - Obsessing over pregnancy symptoms, symptoms of miscarriage, or preterm labor. Chad has told me more than once to stop reading horror stories that I find online. I have a hard time watching anything on the television that is about high-risk pregnancies.
- Desiring more appointments and ultrasounds, or wanting to rent a home Doppler for reassurance that the baby is still alive. Yes, if I could buy a home Doppler I would so we could see our little ones on the screen every night before going to bed. On days we have ultrasounds my stomach is in knots. I am terrified that something is going to be wrong.
- Fear of preparing for a birth, buying maternity clothes, people making items for the babies, or purchasing baby items so as not to “jinx” a pregnancy. This is one that Chad and I have both struggled with. It is so hard to get excited because we have been let down so many times in the past. I have had some friends and family members ask if they could throw me a baby shower and I feel so guilty about it. I feel guilty for one, because I already have a child. Two, I feel like I have let so many people down along this journey that I don’t feel deserving.
The emotional effects of infertility needn't doom a much-wanted pregnancy to a joyless experience. There are ways to ameliorate the doom and gloom expectations that years of repeated failures have led us to expect. Here are some ways that Chad and I have been able relax and feel happy about.
- Most importantly, get support throughout your pregnancy.
With roughly 10% of couples experiencing infertility in the United States, there are many women (and men) who are experiencing the same feelings as we are/were. We have learned to be open about our journey. It has led us to find that we are not alone. Some of our closest friends have gone through similar situations. We are also finding that people appreciate our honesty. We could not do this without the support of our family and friends. My weekly calls from my parents have been a lifesaver. My relationship with my daughter is so beautiful and deep. My relationship with Chad is indescribable. We are who we are as a couple because of the bond we have shared. We don't expect anyone to understand our relationship. Just know it is stronger and there is so much love between us becuase of this journey. I am not embarrassed about what I have had to go through to become pregnant. I am proud that the medical world has created this opportunity for myself and other woman/couples. I will talk to anyone about infertility issues that will listen to me (I actually have 2 speaking engagements this fall that I am super excited about). There are so many negative stereotypes out there and it is very sad to hear people’s comments or reactions when I tell them what we had to go through. I am much more vocal than Chad (like you didn’t already know that, ha). He has been much more open in the last year and he is finding that it is better to let his emotions out than to bottle them in (I think a lot has to do on how we were both raised very differently when it comes to sharing emotions). We have felt so loved throughout this pregnancy. The phone calls, dinners, help around the house, etc…the list goes on and on. We have definitely realized who we can count on. We are truly blessed. - Be prepared for questions about how you got pregnant.
Since we are having twins we get the questions a lot. Did you conceive naturally? Are they fraternal/identical? Did you use treatments? Relatives, friends and even perfect strangers have asked whether we have done IVF or if we used donor eggs. I have just learned that how much I want to disclose is a matter of personal choice. Obviously, that lade in the grocery store that asks will be getting a much smaller story than a relative or friend. Sometimes I just do not want to talk about it anymore….and I have learned that that is okay J
Infertility and loss may have unavoidable effects of the experience of pregnancy, but with support and understanding, you may find more moments of peace than fear during your long hoped for and long awaited pregnancy. Good things, after all, may come to those who wait!!!
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