Thanksgiving

 This year we all get into the holiday spirit, by posting or tweeting everything that we are thankful for. What does this all mean? Does it make it more real when we proclaim our Thanks to the world? 
I know for me it has really made me stop and cherish those people, moments, and memories that I am thankful for. It is easy to say, "Day 22 I am thankful for my family." What does that mean? 
Today was a really hard day for the Martin Family (I will explain that in a second). Today I was thankful for the laughter of my children at dinner time. It soothed my heartache. Today I was thankful for my Kaylee hug....it wasn't just an ordinary hug. It was a "mom I get it and I am so sorry" kind of hug....the kind of hug that last for eternity!! Today I was thankful for the phone calls from family and friends. Today those phone calls where nothing but ordinary. I felt a sense of peace with each call. Today I am thankful for my strong and amazing husband who never leaves my side. We hugged today and cried today like never before. His amazing strength is beyond words. Today I was thankful for the "extra" kisses from Sydney and Chelsea. They can be few and far between with the way those two girls play, but tonight it's like they knew mommy needed them. They would be playing and just come up to me and say, "Kiss mom?" 
As most of you know Chad and I cannot have kids naturally. Our doctors still don't believe us that Kaylee was concieved naturally. We found out about 3 weeks ago that we were expecting!!!! You could imagine how amazed and shocked we both were over the news. The questions were just spinning in our heads so fast: How does this happen? Can we handle 4 kids? How are we going to do this? I just sold all my baby stuff?? How does this happen? (that was a reaccuring question).
After that first sleepless night we started getting so excited. This was happening....we don't know how, but God must have a plan. I, of course, immediately phoned my fertility doctor and my OB so I could get on my daily regime of medication and shots (my body for some reason rejects pregnancies).
About a week later my HCG levels where not going up like they are suppose to, so my doctor was concernced about early miscarriage and maybe even an ectopic pregnancy. We went in for our first ulttrasound around 5 1/2 weeks. We have been down this rode so many times so I was prepping myself for the worst. We were over joyed when we got to see our little peanut on the screen. Things were looking good. My doctor took me off work so my body could rest and relax and I was starting to wrap my brain around all that was going on.
Last Wednesday we went for another ultrasound and the tears just started to fall....good tears. There is nothing like seeing that little heart flicker for the first time. I remember squeezing Chads hand and feeling so relaxed and calm. And then Wednesday night.....the bleeding and cramping. The pain I remember all to well from our past loses. After talking with my doctors they didn't seem to concerned because at our initial ultrasound we had 2 sacs, but one was empty. I hung up the phone, but I knew something was not right. I remember thinking, this can't be happening AGAIN!! We weren't even trying or wanting another child, why would this happen to us? 
We held onto hope all weekend long. Today we went in for an ultrasound and once again the tears started to flow......but there was no joy this time. No little flicker of a heartbeat, no little dancing jellybean, just a lifeless little peanut. Remember how I told you earlier that I was thankful for Chad's hug? My body was lifeless. I couldn't physically move from that chair. Chad just scooped me up and protected me from the pain. His warmth and love comforted me like never before. We said our goodbyes to our little one and quietly left the room. My heart is heavy and my body is numb. Tomorrow I will undergo a small surgery. Please keep my family in your prayers. Kaylee's heart is so big and yet it is still so small to process everything. Pray for peace as we enter this holiday season.
There are still so many questions running in my head. And I could sit here and choose to be angry and bitter at the world (I am sure there will be day or two for that), but today I CHOOSE to be Thankful. Thankful for the reminder that I do have 3 beautiful miracles. Thankful for the 7 1/2 weeks of pregnancy that brought us joy. Thankful for the memories I will have of this little peanut. Thankful for God and His peaceful presence. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for life, even if it was for a short time.
So this week, when you are telling people Happy Thanksgiving, say it like you mean it!  Hug a little tighter and love like there is no tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours!!

Final Countdown

We are in the final hours of countdown before the arrival of our twin girls.  There are so many emotions that have been running through my head through out the day.  For the past three years we have been on this fertility roller coaster and in less than 48 hours we can finally get off this long ride.  As I sit here and reflect on what we have gone through I can’t help but to tear up, and smile at the same time.  I remember each doctor appointment, each needle and poke, each loss, each disheartening phone call, and each disappointment.  On a brighter note, I will never forget the phone call with my IVF nurse when she told us we were pregnant (I honestly wish it was something I could have recorded).  I will never forget our complete and under shock at our first ultrasound when we saw two little babies.  I will never forget all the little special things my husband did to put a smile on my face during this journey.  I smile when I think about all the wonderful friends and family that surround us and support us on a daily basis.  We truly couldn’t have gotten through this journey without all of you. 

Our bags are packed, the camera is charged, the nursery is ready, and we are as prepared as any couple can be for welcoming two babies into this world.  I am so excited to have them in my arms and to tell them I love them.  I am looking forward to the late night feedings and rocking them to sleep.  I might think differently in a few weeks, but for now I can’t think of anything better to do with my time.  I look forward to teaching Kaylee how to love her two little sisters and to help her embrace life with siblings. 

Kaylee and I were eating dinner tonight by ourselves because Chad was at work trying to make his plans for being gone.  While Kaylee and I were eating I looked at her and the tears started to flow down my cheeks.  She was being her typical happy self-singing a song she had made up and I don’t know what came over me.  I just stared at her smiling with the tears dripping from my cheek.  How did I get so lucky to have her as my oldest daughter? Floods of memories were going through my head. It was like time stood still.  I was remembering the day she was born, her first smile, her first step, etc.  And now I look across the dinner table and I have a beautiful independent five-year-old girl who brings me sunshine with each new day.

Once again…….how did I get so lucky?  Now, I get to share my life with three beautiful daughters.  Oh the memories we will make……the shopping trips, the late night talks, and the life lessons. 

This journey has made me stop and enjoy the little things in life.  It has made me a stronger wife and mother.  In less than 48 hours our life will be blessed once again, x2.  I leave you with a poem I gave to Kaylee tonight.  I know she doesn’t understand it now, but one day I know she will cherish the words and the meaning. 

An Angel Left Her Wings

I have this little angel. For me she left her wings.

She has no idea how much happiness she truly brings.

She brightens up my days with her smiles and her laughs.

She helps me to remember all the blessings that I have.

Her face, it is so perfect, she's sweet and soft and pure.

Sometimes she can be willful and sometimes she is demure.

She tries her very hardest to please and do what's right.

She gives the greatest hugs from morning until night.

Every person that has known her sees this light within her soul I know that in this whole great world, she has a special role. She's helpful and considerate to everyone she knows

This light in her shines brighter as my angel grows.

When she sees someone is sad, it opens up her heart.

She wants to do all that she can; she wants to do her part.

She'll squeeze away the sorrow and make me forget about my pain. She shows me where the sun is when we're hiding from the rain.

I know that God must love me, He showed me with His Grace I knew just how completely when I saw my angel's face. And in that very moment when she came into my world,

I knew that she was so much more than just my baby girl.

She will always be my sunshine, with a sweetness that won't end. And when she grows up one day she will be my closest friend. She will be the reason I would always try my best.

For my little angel baby girl will be my greatest test.

When God entrusts to you an angel, who has left her wings for you. Encircle her with love with everything you do. Let her know God made her, and that He trusts you with her care. Be sure to make time for special moments with her to share.

And when at night she finally says her prayers and goes to sleep I Thank Him for my angel, and ask for Him to always keep A watchful eye and hand to protect her from this world. Protect my little angel; protect my baby girl.

Our 3 Angels......Kaylee and the Twins  

Marathon training

A year ago to date I was just finishing my training for my first half marathon.  I trained for months in preparation for race day.  During my training Chad and I had decided to take a break from all fertility treatments.  We as individuals needed a break from it all, as well as us a couple. The world of fertility can easily engulf all of you and before you know it, it has taken over your life.  We knew that it was time for a break.  Of course that was much easier for Chad than it was for me.  With each passing day I couldn’t help but think of the “missed” opportunities we were wasting.  About two weeks into our taking a break I realized that I had to do something to keep myself occupied.  That is when I decided that I would train to run in the Detroit Half Marathon.  Training was a healthy way for me to reduce the tension and stress of everything fertility.  When I started doing my long runs I found my mind racing and reflecting on past issues that I normally wouldn’t take the time to digest.  There would be some days I would cry and or laugh during my runs.  With each day of training that I finished I had a sense of accomplishment and control over my body.   I know I cannot control what happens with the inside of my body, but I can control how I treat my body.  Training for this race gave me so much confidence……..confidence that had been taken away from me during our battle with fertility.  I remember the first time I ran 10 miles without stopping.  Chad had come to meet me and give me water and I broke down in tears.  He thought I was hurt, but I simply explained to him how happy I was that I had been able to push my body to new levels.

Race day quickly approached and there I was standing at the start line with close to 10,000 other racers.  I was geeked!!! I couldn’t stop smiling.  The race was the fastes 2 hours and 16 minutes of my life.  I remember I was at mile 7 and a spectator yelled and said, “You are still smiling…..you go girl”!! I didn’t realize it but I was grinning from ear to ear.  I don’t think that grin left my face for the rest of the day.  Crossing the finish line was filled with so many emotions.  I cried because I just accomplished something that not a lot of people have accomplished.  I made up my mind that I was going to run and I gave myself a goal and I did it!!!!  I was greeted at the finish line by Chad who gave me the biggest hug he has ever given me…..in fact I almost fell over.  Kaylee had made me a beautiful sign that read, “Go, Mom, Go”. My Gram came to show her support.  And to top it all off my best friend, Mindy, and her mom came and completely surprised me. 

While I was training I kept a daily journal.  I filled that journal with inspirational quotes and of my thoughts after I completed a run.  The night before my race I sat and read through my journal.  I had set my mind to run a race, but I did not know that I would also gain so much self-confidence and respect for myself as a person, mom, and wife.  I want to share one of my favorite quotes with you.

            "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." 
-John Bingham 

A year ago I was in the best physical shape of my life and today well……I can’t see my feet, ha! A year ago I wasn’t even thinking about creating new life and now we are about to welcome not just one, but two new lives into this beautiful world.  I am no longer training for a marathon of running, but instead of marathon of no sleep, late night feedings, and unconditional love.  A year ago I was trying to run a little bit faster with each day, and today I am lucky if I can make it to the end of the driveway to put Kaylee on the bus.  I think snails could walk faster than me, ha!!!  I am thrilled to begin my new marathon with all three of my girls.  It will be exhausting and my body will be pushed to new heights, but I know every second will be worth it.  We had the courage to start fertility treatments and look at the two miracles we are about to meet and bring home.   

Summer of Firsts.......

You would think with it being summer I would have more time to write, but for some reason this summer has come and gone quicker than previous ones.  Every time I want to write or I have a thought it is either 2 o’clock in the morning or I am just plain lazy!! 

With that being said, I have so much floating in my head I don’t even know where to start.  My goal is to write an entry for my blog every day this week (please don’t hold me to this, ha)!!  There have been so many things that I have wanted to share.  So hold on to you reading glasses…..here we go…………

          This summer has been a summer of firsts for our family.  It is our first summer in our new house. It is the first summer that I have worked. It is the first summer that I have been pregnant (thank goodness for air conditioning). It is the first summer that Kaylee has been at an age to do some pretty remarkable accomplishments.  With all these “firsts” come new surprises that we were not anticipating, but are enjoying.  Who knew that walking down to our beach would bring so much simplicity and joy to our family? After a long HOT day at work the greatest pleasure it to watch my daughter and her daddy fish off our dock.  Watching Kaylee grow into this beautiful young girl is the most amazing thing as a parent.  She amazes me daily.  She has overcome her fear of bike riding and she has now mastered jumping off our dock into the water. She has had many wonderful adventures with cousins, grandparents, and friends. She is loving her new role as being the Big Sister. She is as proud as any five year old could be with her new role in our family. 

With all these joyous firsts in our family there are some firsts that I am looking forward to getting rid of after these beautiful babes are born.  I miss being able to pick up Kaylee and hugging her whenever I want to. It is hard to look at her big brown eyes and tell her I can’t get on the floor to do a puzzle with her. She understands, but doesn’t at the same time. I can see in her little eyes she has so many questions.  She know mommy isn’t sick, but doesn’t understand why I can’t do everything I use to be able to do with her.

 It is so hard for me to sit and relax, especially when others around me are working.  Poor Chad, has been working to the bone this summer.  He has taken on the role of Mr. Mom as well as doing all the outdoor work for our family.  My dr. has given me strict orders to not even carry a laundry basket. Of course that sounded great for about a week, and then I started feeling helpless.  For those of you that know me…I do like things in order and clean.  It is so hard for me to watch others do things for you.  I have had to rely on my mom and mother-in-law to help with laundry and basic cleaning.  I cannot express how much I appreciate all of Chad’s hard work and dedication this summer. There have been many times when he has come up from doing a load of laundry and I am just sitting there crying because I feel so helpless and useless.  This happened just the other day and Chad came up to me and hugged me as I cried.  He looked at me and said, “You are not helpless or useless. You are doing the biggest job of all. You are growing our two beautiful girls……….” Of course my cry immediately turned into a hysterical snot-dripping cry!!! He made me feel at peace with my “job”. 

It has been hard watching many of my friends go out and have fun this summer. Don’t get me wrong…I am not complaining, but I do get down sometimes when I see or read about my friends being so active. I just can’t do a lot of activity.  It does get lonely.  Just last night I told Chad that I wished I could walk the art fairs or I wish I didn’t get so tired so I could go out with friends at night.  I am so fortunate to have some really great friends that have come over to just “sit” with me. We as a family have been so blessed with great friends who we know we can count on for the simplest of things. 

Being pregnant in the dead of summer has been a first I will be happy to be done with!! Ha!! I think our air conditioning has been working over time. There has been more than one occasion that Chad has worn a sweatshirt in the house because I have the air on so high.  Oh well!!! J I have had so many people ask how I have been doing….to be honest I can’t complain!!  Of course, I have sore hips, stretch marks that I want gone, aching feet, bruised ribs, but all is worth it when I am holding my two precious angels.  I love singing to my girls while I am driving to work in the morning. I love when Kaylee grabs a book and reads to her baby sisters.  I love when Chad comes and talks to his girls. I love hanging their itty-bitty clothes up in the nursery. I have been trying to soak every minute up of this pregnancy.  We have waited so long to be where we are in our journey. 

This summer of firsts has been so memorable and I know it will only get better with our growing family.  It is hard to believe that in just two short months we will go from a family of three to a family of five.  Wow!!! 



We had fun with our maternity photo shoot. Thank you Stephanie Zyga
for these great pics.



 

Quick update

I just wanted to share that we had our 22 week check up and ultrasound last Friday.  It was exciting because we were able to take Kaylee into the ultrasound room with us.  I loved watching her face light up when she saw her sisters on the big tv monitor. 
We have ultrasounds every few weeks, but it never gets old looking at them inside my womb.  At one point of the ultrasound the babies were face to face reaching out to one another. Almost like they were trying to hug each other.  Tears just streamed down my face.  It is a beautiful thing watching these two grow. 
Both babies are healthy and their weight is right where it needs to be. I will be having a c-section in October, because I have placenta previa (the placenta is covering the cervix). 
I am feeling great and enjoying my summer with Chad and Kaylee.  It is hard to imagine in just three short months we will be a family of five.
Chad has just been so wonderful to me during this pregnancy.  It is so cute to watch him be so concerned not only for me, but for the twins.  He is constantly asking if I am okay (almost to the point of being annoying).  He worries so much about all of us.  He is such a good daddy!  I am so blessed and lucky to have found a man that values and loves family. 

Thoughts..........

I titled this blog as I did, because I feel my thoughts have been all over the place during the past few weeks.  As soon as I want to sit down and write I am quickly side tracked with something more important.  I have been reading a book about infertility and the stories that some of these woman/couples have gone through make our story look like a fairy tale. 

“Infertility is about so much more than the inability to conceive. It can rock a woman's very foundations -- her sense of control over her own future, her faith in her own body, and her feelings about herself as a woman. It can result in a loss of innocence, as a woman finds herself on the wrong side of the statistics. Suddenly, bad things don't just happen to other people. Despite all her efforts, she is unable to achieve the experience that many women see as a birthright. Pregnancy likely cannot be achieved except with substantial medical help, and may very well never be achieved at all.
If a pregnancy finally does occur, it can be difficult for a woman who has experienced infertility to view herself as just another pregnant woman. The long-desired pregnancy may not be the joyous experience she has dreamed about. The experience of infertility brings its own baggage to a pregnancy: grief for previous losses; anxiety; and fear that her body, unable to conceive on its own, may not be able to carry a pregnancy.” –From Our Bodies Ourselves
Women who conceive after a loss and/or infertility often have similar experiences during pregnancy. If you, like me, have suffered from such a loss, you may experience one or many of the following:

• Feeling different from other pregnant women.
  One woman says, “Other than brief spurts, I couldn't get excited until the very end, and even that was guarded. I've had friends who've seemed to go through pregnancies with an air of expectation that everything will work out, and I'm envious of the joy they seem to have had. I felt like all the commercials and cards out there about the joys of pregnancy were written for someone other than me. It made me feel defective a bit, that I couldn't get into fully loving being pregnant, even though my pregnancy was easy.” On our last ultrasound we discovered that my hematoma was finally gone. That was such a relief for me. I felt like I could finally start enjoying being pregnant.
• Feeling like you don't belong.
  I sometimes feel like the average pregnant woman can’t understand my feelings, yet I feel uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy with my infertile friends who are still undergoing treatments.
• Obsessing over pregnancy symptoms, symptoms of miscarriage, or preterm labor. Chad has told me more than once to stop reading horror stories that I find online.  I have a hard time watching anything on the television that is about high-risk pregnancies. 
• Desiring more appointments and ultrasounds, or wanting to rent a home Doppler for reassurance that the baby is still alive.  Yes, if I could buy a home Doppler I would so we could see our little ones on the screen every night before going to bed.  On days we have ultrasounds my stomach is in knots. I am terrified that something is going to be wrong. 
• Fear of preparing for a birth, buying maternity clothes, people making items for the babies, or purchasing baby items so as not to “jinx” a pregnancy. This is one that Chad and I have both struggled with.  It is so hard to get excited because we have been let down so many times in the past.  I have had some friends and family members ask if they could throw me a baby shower and I feel so guilty about it.  I feel guilty for one, because I already have a child. Two, I feel like I have let so many people down along this journey that I don’t feel deserving. 

The emotional effects of infertility needn't doom a much-wanted pregnancy to a joyless experience. There are ways to ameliorate the doom and gloom expectations that years of repeated failures have led us to expect.  Here are some ways that Chad and I have been able relax and feel happy about.

• Most importantly, get support throughout your pregnancy.
  With roughly 10% of couples experiencing infertility in the United States, there are many women (and men) who are experiencing the same feelings as we are/were. We have learned to be open about our journey.  It has led us to find that we are not alone. Some of our closest friends have gone through similar situations. We are also finding that people appreciate our honesty.  We could not do this without the support of our family and friends. My weekly calls from my parents have been a lifesaver.  My relationship with my daughter is so beautiful and deep.  My relationship with Chad is indescribable. We are who we are as a couple because of the bond we have shared. We don't expect anyone to understand our relationship. Just know it is stronger and there is so much love between us becuase of this journey.                                                                                                                       I am not embarrassed about what I have had to go through to become pregnant. I am proud that the medical world has created this opportunity for myself and other woman/couples.  I will talk to anyone about infertility issues that will listen to me (I actually have 2 speaking engagements this fall that I am super excited about).  There are so many negative stereotypes out there and it is very sad to hear people’s comments or reactions when I tell them what we had to go through.  I am much more vocal than Chad (like you didn’t already know that, ha).  He has been much more open in the last year and he is finding that it is better to let his emotions out than to bottle them in (I think a lot has to do on how we were both raised very differently when it comes to sharing emotions).  We have felt so loved throughout this pregnancy.  The phone calls, dinners, help around the house, etc…the list goes on and on.  We have definitely realized who we can count on.  We are truly blessed.
• Be prepared for questions about how you got pregnant.
  Since we are having twins we get the questions a lot.  Did you conceive naturally? Are they fraternal/identical? Did you use treatments? Relatives, friends and even perfect strangers have asked whether we have done IVF or if we used donor eggs. I have just learned that how much I want to disclose is a matter of personal choice. Obviously, that lade in the grocery store that asks will be getting a much smaller story than a relative or friend.  Sometimes I just do not want to talk about it anymore….and I have learned that that is okay J

Infertility and loss may have unavoidable effects of the experience of pregnancy, but with support and understanding, you may find more moments of peace than fear during your long hoped for and long awaited pregnancy. Good things, after all, may come to those who wait!!!

Memories of Motherhood

Hush now baby don't you cry
Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby

Know though I must leave, my child
That I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone
Remember this sweet lullaby

And all love through darkness
Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn
With love you'll find your way
My love

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes
I will sing this lullaby

Yes I will sing this lullaby
Oooooohhh (Song by Josh Groban)


This is one of the songs I use to sing to Kaylee when she was a little babe.  I can still smell her sweet newborn smell while I sat exhausted night after night rocking her to sleep.  I remember thinking, "Wow, she is all mine!!!" I could not wait to have more babies.  I vividly recall a family member asking right after Kaylee was born if I would do it again and I with hesitation said, "YES!"  The joys of motherhood are beyond explanation.  Don't get me wrong, there are some times I wanted to pull my hair out, but the joys always out weigh those stressful times.  
My daughter has taught me so much about myself and life.  I never new something so tiny could make my heart so big!  She has taught me to stop and enjoy the little things in life.  I hope I can teach her half of what she has taught me.  
Tonight she came home from Grandma and Grandpa's house and she was extra tired.  She climbed up on my lap and just wanted to cuddle.  This is a very rare occurrence with an almost 5 year old!!!  I asked her if she was feeling okay and she told me she just missed me and wanted some love! Talk about tears gushing from my face.  We got our pj's on and read our books and then I picked her up and rocked her and sang her this sweet lullaby.  As I sang I had tears of joy streaming down my face.  Oh how the past five years have brought me so much sweet joy.  
During our struggles to have more children it was easy to forget about the joys that life has already blessed us with.  Tonight I was gently reminded of one of my biggest joys....rocking my first born and remembering my first memories of motherhood.  I look forward to rocking two more blessings this coming fall.  
Now go grab your child or children and hug/rock/sing to them.  Life is to precious and goes by to fast.  Cling on to the wonderful memories that our children give us!